‘MERICA – After less than two devastating weeks of what some are calling a “yuge tremendous success” of a presidency, leading alcoholic experts at the local dive bar have announced that the social faux pas status of day drinking has officially been lifted. “It’s against the Geneva convention,” stated one expert. “No human being should be forced to endure this shit sober.”
This is a major human rights breakthrough. After decades of having to hide day drinking in repurposed soda cups or through extra trips to the bathroom at work, the general populace is now allowed to prescribe themselves the level of alcohol they need at anytime of day without fear of ridicule and concerning calls from the family. This new amendment to the social contract even extends into labor laws. Sobriety is no longer a requirement at any workplace and in sectors such as retail, sobriety will actually be heavily discouraged.
Britney Johnson, a single mother currently juggling three minimum wage jobs, expressed her relief. “It’s a Godsend. I mean, it’s the next best thing. I’d rather have affordable health insurance and a living wage, but now at least I can openly ease the pain of knowing my children won’t be able to go to college and have a good life.” She then let out a “whoo” before taking an inhumanly long swig from the gallon jug of hard alcohol in her hand.
At this point it is almost impossible to say what the next four years of this administration will bring, but with the predicted rise in alcohol poisoning and vomit-induced drownings, it’s safe to say most of us won’t have to live to see it.
What a week it’s been. Stay safe, stay vigilant, and let’s get through this together. Cheers.