Hall of OKStupid #5: Cocky Pick Up Lines

Ladies and gentleman, gather ’round – the ultimate pick up line has been revealed. After years of sifting through online dating material, my research has come across the surefire way to get a woman to respond to your OKCupid message.

You ready for it? Brace yourself.

okstupid - handsome hung fwb | the lonely tribalist | moose and michelle

Talk about your dick.

hall of okstupid - handsome hung fwb copy paste | the lonely tribalist | moose and michelle

Copy. Paste. Repeat.

[Aside: I live nowhere near Ohio. And the copy-paste makes me think he sends this message to women all over. Fake account, perhaps? Double dick points.]

And don’t let their questionable IQ get in the way of their stupendous tallywacker:

hall of okstupid - you look bigger | the lonely tribalist | moose and michelle

I mean, I thought he looked like a normal man in his profile pictures, but he’s only 8.5″ tall! He must be a Guinness World Record holder. Plus, he has a penis pump and can reach things on the top shelf for me. Did you hear that collective panty drop?

Here’s another example of the big schlong/faulty sarcasm-reader combo. This specimen added the unique flare of baiting interest first:

hall of okstupid - personal question | the lonely tribalist | moose and michelle

Why, what sort of thoughtful, intelligent, engaging rhetoric is he going to blow me away with?

hall of okstupid - personal question 2 | the lonely tribalist | moose and michelle

Ah yes, the ol’ appeal to my love for the fetishization of my body! Yesss, perfect. Execute more of my crass wit. How will this one fare?

hall of okstupid - personal question 3 | the lonely tribalist | moose and michelle

How adorable. But remember, he has a 9″ anaconda!

hall of okstupid - personal question 4 | the lonely tribalist | moose and michelle

He gets dick points for holding out hope where there was none.

Thanks for the laughs, guys.

Click here for more online dating snafus in the Hall of OKStupid.

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