Guest Post: Chipotle is Probably Going to Hell

“Hunter..” My Grandma said as she softly slapped my cheek. “Hunter wake up, it’s time to hit the road.” 

I sat up on the heavenly, white hotel linens and stretched my arms in the air like I was a wanted fugitive under arrest. I glanced at the alarm clock that still glowed red in the dark room. 5:00 A.M. …Crap. Time to hit the road again. We were on our way to Utopia, Texas, and the sleep that my grandmother had just diabolically woken me from, had made me forget about the countless hours that were still ahead of us. I flopped out of bed, grabbed my suitcase, slid on my pants, and trudged out the door of the hotel room towards the elevator without even waiting up for my Grandma. What? She’s a grown woman, she doesn’t need me to hold her hand and walk her to her car!  To be honest, I just wanted to get to her minivan as quick as possible so I could go back to sleep. And that’s exactly what I had in mind…. and then, everything changed when the hunger nation attacked. Right when I sat down and closed my eyes, my belly started growling. I was so hungry I could’ve eaten the balls off of a low flying duck!

My grandmother came out of the hotel, struggling to carry five luggage bags that are somehow stacked in her flimsy arms. I opened my door just a crack, and screamed out into the parking lot.

“Grandma! Grandma! GRANDMA!!!!!” I shouted. She stomped her foot onto the concrete in rage. She really shouldn’t do that. It’s bad for the bones.

“WHAT!” She whisper-screamed. Oh yeah, I forgot it was like 5:30 a.m.

“Hurry up, I’m hungry!” I shouted. She rolled her eyes and threw her stuff into the back of the van. She really shouldn’t do that, it’s bad for any breakable stuff she might have. As she sat down in the drivers seat, and started the ignition, she said that we would stop at the first place she saw. However, she was already snacking on an apple danish that she picked up from the breakfast bar, so I doubted that she was really that sympathetic to my starvation.

So apparently my grandma could not see any restaurants until around 10:45 a.m. when she started to also get hungry. How convenient. I’m pretty sure I saw plenty of McDonald’s. Nevertheless, we were approaching a small outlet full of shop’s and restaurants, and I was not going to let it pass. I leaned out my window, and pointed with both hands at the first place I saw. Chipotle. I pressed my face to the side of my grandmas’s head, and spoke aggressively into her eardrum.


She turned her steering wheel right as she complied with my orders. As soon as her van pulled into the parking space in front of Chipotle, I opened up my door and just about barrel rolled out. I anxiously approached the door, so desperate for food. My sweaty palm clasped around the door handle and I gently pulled. Nothing. What the- I tugged harder.. but, there was no give. I was locked out. Those disease minded crackpots who called themselves workers, must have deliberately locked me out just to spite me!! I turned to my grandmother, who was still trying to get her purse out of the van, and growled menacingly.

“They won’t let me in grandma, they locked me out…” 

“No Hunter, they just don’t open until 11. It’s only 10:58 a.m.

Fair enough. I guess I could suffer just two more minutes. It’s not like I was hungry or anything. I waited the next two minutes with my forehead pressed against the glass of the front door, glaring intensely into the empty restaurant.

“What time is it?” I asked my grandma, my hot breath fogging up the glass in front of me.

11:00 a.m.…”

My heart dropped. Chipotle’s hours clearly stated that they open at 11:00 a.m. Somebody had better open this damn door within the minute or I swear I’ll-

11:01 a.m. 

Beads of sweat started dripping down my face. NOW they’re liars. Not only are they locking me away from their burritos, but now they are bringing God into this mess! Proverbs 12:22, man:

 “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.”

Yup. Chipotle was probably going to Hell.

I bowed my head and asked for God to forgive them for their sins, so long as they open up their doors within the next minute. Ok, I know I shouldn’t be negotiating terms with the Lord, but I was hungry, and I was not playing around!

11:02 a.m. 

Okay now we’re just getting personal Chipotle. I busted out my iPhone and smashed my finger into my Yelp app. I was about to get savage up in this shiznit! Like I said, I wasn’t messing around with this anymore! I clicked on the 3 stars rating, and simply typed ‘Proverbs 12:22’ in the text box. I did not submit my review however, because now every minute that God and I are locked out here, away from those burritos, I would simply keep on rating down stars.

11:03 a.m.

I guess Chipotle doesn’t care about a bad review on Yelp! Click! We’re down to two stars now! I pounded my chest with my fists. Let’s go Chipotle, test me! Let’s see you wait one more minute to let me inside.

11:04 a.m. That’s it. I clicked down to the final star. Game over, Chipotle, game over.

All was silent. 

Just then, the door from the bagel shop next door swung open, and a Chinese lady with a Chipotle uniform came walking out, munching on a freaking bagel! I was not having it. I puffed out my chest, and clinched my fists, mumbling a bunch of stuff about damning her to hell under my breath. Regardless, she casually walked to the door and unlocked it with a key. She opened it up wide for me, and spoke happily.

“Hai! Relcome to Chipot-ray”  I stared at her youthful Chinese face for a minute before finally replying.

“No thanks, I’m not even hungry.”

I climbed back into my Grandma’s van, and sent the Yelp review.

11:05 a.m.

First I wanna say thank you to The Lonely Tribalist for letting us share! You guys are awesome! Did you enjoy reading this? Great, it’s just a sample of what we have and what’s to come! Check out more from us at, a home for jerks like us! 

[Header image source: Pixabay]

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