Guest Post: Mayonnaise Rapists, and 49 Other Pet Peeves…

Okay so everybody has pet peeves. But I feel like I get obsessively annoyed with little things. I’m pretty sure there’s a word for that, or maybe I’m just a dick. I don’t know… I’ve put together a list of 50 things that really piss me off. I’m not saying that I don’t actually do these things, I’m just saying that it pisses me off when OTHER people do them. See if you can relate.

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I Hate…

1. Being woken up.

2. When people don’t cover there mouths to cough.

3. When people don’t cover their faces to sneeze.

4. When people use there,they’re, and their incorrectly. Along with any other homophones like that… (teehee)

5. Hypocrites.

6. People who shit their religions down your throat. Like, Jesus Christ…

7. Bacon.

8. Popcorn.

9. Bacon-flavored popcorn.

10. When your fitted sheet keeps popping off of the corners. Like, can you not…

11. When you tell your roommate that they can share your food, but then it seems like they take the very last of your favorite snack, or drink. Every. Time. Like dammit, you know that I went to the store especially for that chocolate milk! That was supposed to be mine… My special treat. For stress purposes… I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU!! *Buries face in pillow*

12. When your significant other says they are not hungry, but then when you show up with food, all of a sudden they’re starving Ethiopians.

13. Ugly people.

14. People Who are NOT ugly, but just have awkward looking faces.

15. Yellow Jackets. No not like a jacket you wear in the Winter, although I’d never wear one. I’m talking about the little, asshole wasps that have a threatening pattern on their body. They are mean as all hell and not only can they sting you, but the little fuckers can also bite you.They exist in gigantic colony sizes, having a maximum size of 4000 to 5000 wasps! I feel compelled to make a future blog post about these wasps, as they fit right into my criteria. They are major dicks.

16. Walking through puddles of water and getting your socks all wet.

17. Rape. Pretty obvious right? There’s really only a select amount of people who don’t hate rape… Rapists.

18. Rapists.

19. Mayonnaise.

20. Mayonnaise rapists. I shouldn’t have to explain, okay. Just hate them too.

*cries in shower* 

21. Peacock Mantis Shrimp. Yes this is a thing. And they are also major dicks. See this video.

22. People who sag their pants. It seems like a big red flag that they want somebody to fuck them in the ass. I mean, they’ve already done half the job for you…

23. People who eat chips while you’re doing something that requires silence. (Watching a Movie, Studying, Mourning over a loved one, etc.,)

24. People who are late. In the U.S. Army, we were always taught that “if you’re on time you’re late, and if you’re 15 minutes early, you’re on time. ” I feel like this is a rule that everyone should follow. Being late makes you look like you don’t have any discipline, and that you are irresponsible. It just makes you feel like you got slapped in the face with a giant middle finger.

25. Disorganization. I’m the kind of guy who likes to wake up in the morning, and know what the fuck is going to happen today. I need to plan EVERYTHING in my life. What time will I shit today? What will I do after I shit? Will I shower, or should I just go and binge-watch Daredevil on Netflix? If I do not plan my days, it makes everything just seem like a giant cluster-fuck, and I get really stressed out.

26. B.S.P.T.S.D. (Bull Shit Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) Although it is not for me to decide whether or not somebody has true P.T.S.D., it is easy for me to make assumptions based on what the traumatic experiences that they feel obligated to share. Seasoned war vet? Sure, I could easily just ASSUME they have PTSD. Now, a soldier who has never seen a deployment? Not so much. I shit you not, there were people just out of boot camp with me that claimed to have gotten PTSD. Like, what.

27. Dog kisses. I love dogs, but I don’t want them to tongue-rape me in the mouth.

28. Prank candles. Everyone has that one birthday (or every birthday), that somebody around you thinks it would be so gut-burstingly funny to put a bunch of those candles that you can never blow out, on your cake. Or even worse, putting just one. Then you feel a permanent lack of self-worth because you can not blow out one measly candle. Dicks.

29. People who speak too loudly in a one-on-one conversation. Just shut up.

30. When a fast food restaurant gets your order wrong. You had one. Fucking. Job.

31. People who bring 50 items to a ’10 items or less’ lane. OH HELLLLLLL NAW!

32. When people park their shopping carts in a parking spot. Otherwise that means that people are just lazy assholes, who can’t put their cart back in the cart rack that’s literally like 15 feet away.

33. People at some sort of social gathering who think it’s okay to just stop and have a conversation in front of the FUCKING DOOR! I don’t even understand how you think that is a good idea!

34. When semi truck drivers don’t honk their horn.

35. Attention fiending toddlers. Yes I did see your “trick”. You turned in a fucking circle. Yes, I said I saw it.. Really. There’s no need to do it again.

36. Unrealistic dreams of children. You do realize that superman was already an alien when he was born. You can not grow up and be Superman… Ignorant fuck.

37. People who read out loud when they’re typing.

38. Grabbing 40 napkins, using 2-3, and throwing them away. Yeah, because fuck trees, right?

39. People who do not use coasters.

40. The water ring of death that is a direct result of people not using coasters.

41. Singular shoes. It’s actually quite sad. Left and Right shoes are made for each other. When one is gone, you can only imagine how depressed, and lost the shoes must feel.

42. Animal abuse. If I ever find out you abuse your animals, you had better put a condom around your heart because I will butt-fuck your soul!

43. Waiting for the car who is about a football field away to pass before you turn left or right. Yeah, because the car might fucking teleport.

44. The slurping noise when someone is drinking from a straw and is at the bottom of the cup. It’s gone, fat ass, it’s gone!

45. Double-Negatives. “We didn’t see nothing..“

46. Oxymorons. “All alone”, “Big, little”, etc.,

47. Being indecisive. Wait I don’t hate that. Actually yes, I do. Wait no..

48. Women who take up two parking spots.

49. Sexism.

50. The noise balloons make when you rub your fingers on them. It literally makes me want to punt a baby raccoon.

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Great, you got through my list! Although this is not all my pet peeves, this is quite a bit of them. Comment below if you can relate, and don’t forget to follow us to see our posts first! Thanks, Jerks! To see more posts like this click over to my site! Special thanks to The Lonely Tribalist!

If you’d like to contribute to the shenanigans via a guest post, check out our guidelines (or lack thereof) and then send us an idea or two or dozen to mooseandmichelle@gmail.com! We very much look forward to collaborating with you all.