It’s the first week of January. We’ve picked up the empty bottles from the floor, swept away the cobwebs of 2015, and tidied up that mess between our scalp and our neck to become presentable again for classes and/or the workplace. The holiday season is now kaput and we have to get back to pretending to like our bosses and peers.
Carpe 2016 with these 5 tips for coping with having to come back to the real world after a hella long holiday break:
1. Don’t go to bed earlier than usual.
You stayed up late and woke up late because you deserved a long winter’s nap. And because “American Horror Story” wasn’t going to just watch itself now, was it? But now that you have responsibilities to go back to, you have a regular grueling schedule again. It’s a common misconception that going to sleep earlier than usual will help you re-regulate your sleep cycle. Wrong. Being too proactive about your bedtime actually makes you hate life infinitely more. Don’t change a thing. Keep going to bed at 3 a.m. for that 8 a.m. shift. Make that sleep cycle your [insert politically correct term for a subjugated class here].
2. Bring booze to work in your usual coffee receptacle.
Odds are you drink. Higher odds are you drank enough to shave at least 2 years off your life expectancy over the holidays. Not to worry – we’ve all been there. Because of your kickass drinking habits, your bloodstream is used to being supersaturated with booze (Source: uh, science, duh). To counteract the gnarly effects of withdrawal, so that you don’t end up hissing and growling at your co-workers in the break room, bring a small supply of alcohol with you. An easy way to accomplish this without getting caught is to dump 16 oz. of your alcohol of choice into a coffee cup (with a lid, of course). And don’t forget to bring tic tacs.
3. Drink plenty of water.
Nothing more needs to be said. Water’s good for you.
4. Finish binge-watching “American Horror Story” and anything else you didn’t get to finish over the break.
It’s been proven by totes legit research that our minds get stuck on things that we don’t finish. That’s why one of the best ways to get Adele out of your head is to LISTEN TO and FINISH THE ENTIRE GODDAMN SONG.
So whatever it is that you binge-watched over the break: finish it. Power through. It seems impossible and there will be detractors, but to hell with those quitters. They’re communists. Don’t stop until you’ve finished that last episode of season 9 of “The X-Files” on Netflix. Don’t you dare stop.
5. Finally, a two-parter:
a) Buy a really cool pillow. Either something so amazing you won’t be able to stop sharing pictures of you straddling it to your friends and not-friends alike. Or something so shameful you publicly deny the existence of pillows because pillows are for communists.
b) Cry into it nightly and re-visit all your poor life choices that have led you up to this point in the Kafka-esque existence you call a life.
There you have it. You’ll be back to singing down the avenue of your soul-sucking adulthood in no time. You’re welcome. Stay tuned for more lifesaving How Tos!
Moose & Michelle
Any other crucial tips we missed? What are you best vacation hangover cures?