The 5 Stages of Essay Writing [Finals Week Edition]

[Throwing back to a post I wrote on Stressing Out College back in 2013. Not much has changed since then.]

[October 19th, 2015] – “Defend a thesis or concept from one of the philosophers… The essay should focus on a single primary source from the philosopher and should use a minimum of three secondary sources to construct and defend your thesis. All essays should be 6-8 pages in MLA format… Due date: Sunday December 6th, 11:55 PM.”

STAGE 1: PROCRASTINATION

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[October 19th, 2015] – Easy-peezy. Let’s catch up on “American Horror Story.”

[November 2nd, 2015] – Ah, I guess I’ll choose Simone de Beauvoir for the paper. Holy mother of cod, look at these pandas…

[December 2nd, 2015] – I’d better get started on that essay… Ah! This week’s “American Horror Story!” What the hell is in room 33…

STAGE 2: DENIAL

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[December 4th, 2015 (11:32 PM)] – It’s going to be painless because I already know what I’m going to write about. Simone de Beauvoir, sexism bad, WTF is “woman,” yadda yadda yadda.

[December 5th, 2015] – Cuttin’ it close, but it’s all good. It’s not due until tomorrow – tomorrow at midnight, to be more exact, so I’ll have all day to do it. I got this.

[December 6th, 2015 (1:15 PM)] – Slept in, feeling refreshed. I have 11 whole hours to do this paper. Time to browse Facebook.

STAGE 3: MANIC-DEPRESSIVE PANIC PEPPERED WITH MOMENTS OF FALSE HOPE AND REGRET

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[December 6th, 2015 (5:09 PM] – OH MY SHIT WHY DID I WAIT TO DO THIS I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING WHAT IS THIS GEEZUS FUDGING CRISCO WHYYYYYY…

[December 6th, 2015 (5:21 PM)] – I love this song so, so much. I can do this!

[December 6th, 2015 (7:00 PM)] – NO NO NO STOP LOOKING AT FACEBOOK, CLOSE OUT OF YOUTUBE, I NEED TO GET THIS ASS DICK SHIT FUCK PAPER DONE MOTHER HELLING BUCK STUCK DUCK PUCK FUUUUUUU

[December 6th, 2015 (8:31 PM)] – Fuck yeah, fuck yeah, that’s one motherfucking solid paragraph right there. Yes! I can reward myself with a Buzzfeed listicle. Ah gawd, I love this song, too.

[December 6th, 2015 (9:40 PM)] – SHIT SHIT SHIT I’VE ONLY COMPLETED 3 PAGES AND THOSE CITATIONS SUCK HOW DO I CITE A CONFERENCE PRESENTATION WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELLLLLLLLLFFFFF

STAGE 4: ACCEPTANCE

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[December 6th, 2015 (10:46 PM)] – Let’s try to bullshit for one more page.

[December 6th, 2015 (11:58 PM)] – You know what? 5 pages is good enough. [Re-counts pages.] Well, 4 pages plus works cited page is good enough. Spell check? Got my name, title, words words words words, sources. And I bet he’ll let it slide if I submit the paper a few minutes late.

[December 6th, 2015 (1:12 AM)] – Yep. Done. Clicking “submit.” All done. Wipe my hands clean of that, yay!

STAGE 5: RESOLVE

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[December 6, 2015 (1:13 AM)] – Let’s never do that again. I will always start immediately on my papers from now on. Or give myself at least 2 weeks. A couple days at the very least.

And there you are: the 5 stages of writing a paper. Feel free to share your wonderful habits in the comments – or share an even better distraction! To my fellow students (especially those also on a trimester/quarter schedule), happy finals week!

Cheers,
Michelle